#32list: The Moment of Truth

Friends, Romans, Walruses: the time has come.

When I started this blog a year ago on my 31st birthday, I made a list of 32 things I wanted to accomplish before my next birthday, when I would turn 32. Well, that was almost 2 months ago (oops!), so it's time to 'fess up and bring out the scorecard!

N.B. See #25 in advance. It's my permanent excuse for absolutely every fail in life for the next 18 years.

1. Start a blog - DONE. 10 posts in 1 year; slow, but not bad for a start!
2. Have a regular morning time with the Lord - DONE. Since at least once a week counts as regular, and I had a baby this year (baby = free pass for everything), I'm crossing this off.
3. Exercise regularly - DONE. This was a tough one, since this time last year I was 6 weeks pregnant, and 2 months later started a full time retail job right before the holiday rush. But, like #2, I've done something that could pass as exercise (however mild) at least once a week if you average it all out (ha!), so I'm counting it done.
4. Run a 5K - I had a baby instead. Might as well cross climb Mt. Everest off my bucket list, because that's basically what I accomplished.
5. Run a 10K - See above. 
6. Run a half marathon - See above. Maybe when I'm done having babies.
7. Read 1 new book every month - DONE. I didn't (exactly) read a new book every month, but I did read 10 new books. So, I say close enough! And YES, baby/sleep-training books TOTALLY COUNT. 
8. Travel outside the country - Nope. Sigh. Next year! *crosses fingers*
9. Visit Boston Austin - Boston was out of the question, BUT! We DID fly to Austin, TX with our 10 week old baby! He is the first great-grandbaby to my only living grandparent, my mom's mom, whom I had not seen in almost 10 years. So this was a big, big deal and we had a big, big family shindig to celebrate. It was wonderful!
10. Go camping in a tent - DONE! I lamented to the Best Husband Ever back in March that this could not possibly happen before my next birthday since we were having a baby. His response? "Just because we're having a baby doesn't mean we can't do anything or go anywhere. We'll go camping before your birthday. In fact, we'll go camping FOR your birthday." And we DID! In, like, a tent and everything! With a 4 month old baby! And it was FUN!! Reason #907983 I call him the Best Husband Ever. :)
11. Learn how to create and edit video - Sleep is better.
12. Secret personal health related goal that I won't share here - Didn't do it. Still not telling.
13. Get back in the habit of reading the Bible before bed - DONE. It's not every night, but I am getting back in the habit.
14. Check social media less - Welllll this compulsive habit got a lot better...and then a lot worse. I know there are infinitely more productive things you could do while breastfeeding, but at 2:00 a.m., or when your brain is so fogged from lack of sleep even though it's high noon, staring at your Instagram feed is sometimes all you can manage. And sometimes, it's reassuring just to know that there's still a world out there for you to rejoin one day...
15. Make every recipe in Ina Garten's Barefoot in Paris cookbook - Didn't finish, but I'm renewing this for my #33list. The standing is currently 21/79 recipes made, not counting the 5 that aren't worth the trouble. Potato chips from scratch? But...why??
16. Make cronuts from scratch - Not yet.
17. Get a puppy - We moved into an apartment that doesn't allow pets. :( 
18. Find fun things to do instead of watch TV - So far, honestly, it's a relief to have something going on in the background during the day to keep me company, and keep me from losing my mind. Being at home 24/7 (we only have one car) is tough. Although thanks to #'s 1 and 7, I have rediscovered my love of writing and reading. I'm hoping for more of both in my life henceforth.
19. Read Les Misérables - Didn't even touch it. #noregrets
20. Perfect macaron-making at home, and learn to make more flavors than chocolate and vanilla - #33list! I'm determined to become a pro at macaron making. 
21. Meet this baby in person - Didn't happen. KILLLLLS me. :(
22. Spend less money at coffee shops - DONE. For the 6 months that I was working full time at the mall, I practically lived on coffee shops and mall fast food. :( But I'm at home 24/7 now, and spend $0 at coffee shops except for the rare occasions when I have the car. So, I spend less at coffee shops now! #silverlining
23. Figure out a weekly chore system that works for me - DONE. Figured out the chore system with help from this friend's awesome post! Next step: actually USE the chore system. ;)
24. Make dinner by 7:30 8:00 pm - DONE. This actually sometimes happens! Twice a week? That's regular! ;)
25. Other secret personal health related goal REVEALED: Have a baby - DONE. Yes, I actually made that a goal: have a baby before my 32nd birthday. And it's easily the accomplishment of which I am most proud. I think it counts for all the things I didn't get done last year. Easily! 
26. Throw a tea party - DONE. AKA baby shower! I got to throw a darling little April Shower Tea Party with my mother just 8 days before Ax was born (whew!). I do have pictures, maybe I'll post some...someday...
27. Have people over [for dinner] more often - DONE. Even though I was working full time until April and we had a baby a mere 3 weeks after I quit, we are managing to make getting together with friends a more regular thing (although not always for dinner).
28. Spend more time at the pool - Nope. :(
29. Go to a (free) outdoor concert or festival - Also no.
30. Spend a weekend at a vineyard B&B - DONE!! :) Well, it wasn't on a vineyard, but it was in downtown Napa and we toured a vineyard while we were there, so it counts! I'm hoping to do a separate post on this precious surprise weekend getaway hopefully sometime soon.
31. Do more hiking - DONE. We even took Ax with us! Twice!
32. Finish at least 1 book of the Life-Studies - I'll be finished in just one more week, so I'm counting this one as DONE.

Final tally: 16 items done / 32 items listed. And since the "done" items include having a baby, which counts for 1000 items (and that's not even half the number of things one must do to take care of a baby), the conclusion is: I WIN.

I said in my  original #32list post that if I did even half the things on my list, I would feel like I've lived. Having accomplished (more or less) exactly half of my list, how do I feel now?

Frankly, I was hoping to feel much more exhilarated than I do. But perhaps that's just the sleep deprivation and isolation boredom talking. Also, I think lists bring out my OCD tendencies: if I don't finish the list, I feel anxious and depressed. It's hard for me to look at this list without inwardly berating myself for counting some things that I didn't do exactly as originally planned, to say nothing of the things I didn't do at all (except not reading Les Mis; I only feel relieved about that). Despite my bravado in asserting that "I win," I actually feel like a loser for not ticking every box, for not doing everything in the exact detail specified. For not being perfect. That's when I have to take a deep breath, close my eyes, and remember: perfection is not possible, not my job, and not my goal.

This is the moment of truth, and the truth is: I'm so glad I did this! If not for this list, we would probably never have gone camping with a baby. Even if the BHE had suggested it, I'm sure I would have been too daunted to attempt it. Same with reading new books, figuring out a chore system, and so many other items, crossed off or not. I couldn't cross off cooking every recipe in Barefoot in Paris, but I made over a dozen new recipes that I would probably never have bothered to try otherwise. And I'm ecstatic about that, and excited and motivated to keep going with it!

So the result isn't what I expected: I expected to do a lot more than I did, but instead, both the done and undone things gave me a lesson in self-forgiveness and joie de vivre. Which, all things considered, is really the point.

Next week: #33list goes live! And I plan to document each item as it happens (or doesn't!) throughout the year. Don't miss it! Make your own list and join me!

And finally, gratuitous baby picture. You're welcome. #sorrynotsorry

What It Means To Build Up The Body Of Christ On A Friday Night When You’re a New Parent

It’s 6:30 p.m. People are coming to my house in an hour and a half. My postpartum hair loss is all over the floor, my nearly 4-month-old baby is fed but unwashed, and dinner will be defrosted leftovers hastily microwaved and scoffed before the guests come. I am tired, hormonal, cranky from an off-schedule baby who still doesn’t (quite) sleep through the night, and disappointed in myself because I am a terrible housekeeper. (Bless you for pointing out the new mother excuse; unfortunately, my housekeeping skills—or lack thereof—have nothing to do with having a baby.) I want to wake up my hard-working, neat-as-a-pin husband, who is napping to recuperate from the demands of his all-hours high tech Silicon Valley job, and cry on his shoulder and ask him to email our friends and tell them not to come. Oh, and can he please go pick us up some dinner.

This is not what I visualize when I think about Christians paying a price, sacrificing, or suffering for the gospel. But as I stand in the middle of the kitchen, reassuring myself that all my reasons not to have fellow believers over for our usual Friday night fellowship are totally justified (and they totally are; I know our friends will be more than understanding), the Lord reminds me: a little strength. Just a little.

I cannot be a martyr in the Middle East. For the moment, there is no call for me to serve the Lord in some exotic place, or even in our local church. I don’t work outside the home. Most days my greatest accomplishment is to get dressed and make myself food. So most days, I don’t feel like I’m doing anything of importance (except training the baby to sleep; that is VERY important!!!), much less fighting the good fight.

But today. Today, there is something I can do to contribute to the meaning of the universe.

I can ignore my lethargy. I can swallow my pride. I can put on the kettle, set out the tea, and slice up some humble apples (they’re not even organic) to put on a tray. I can eat my nuked leftovers standing in the kitchen while the Best Husband Ever entertains the baby, and then take over the (heavily condensed, because I’m in no mood to mess around) bedtime routine so the BHE can eat and finish cleaning the rest of the house. I can take a deep breath and quietly let go of the totally justifiable reasons I should have the night to myself to relax and go to bed early (I totally should).

I can let the saints come to my home. I can present my body a living sacrifice while the Word is read and the fellowship flows. I can let the Lord knit me a little more with these believers that He has placed us with. And even though I’m too tired to function, I can enjoy their measure of grace.

I can’t preach the gospel to thousands. I can’t serve in foreign lands. There are many things I can’t do, so many of my God’s needs I can’t meet. But tonight, there is one small thing I can do for the Lord whom I love.

I can build up the Body of Christ.

I bow my head over groceries that are still waiting to be put away. This is not a great trial; it is such a mild sacrifice that I didn’t even realize it was a sacrifice. But it is. Opening our home for the home meeting is my small opportunity to offer the little (time, energy, resources) I have to the Lord. So I will. And I do.

Six hours later as I write this, I am glad the saints came, as I knew I would be. We’re all going hiking in Big Basin Redwood Forest tomorrow, plans made over the remains of tea and humble apples. I wanted to spend the day by myself at the library (between breastfeeding sessions, of course), but this, too, is a precious opportunity for more "building up of itself in love" to take place.

Right now, my measure feels so small. But even one talent can make a profit, if properly invested.